Because Pennywise Never Had a Chance
by chadders
Summary: What happens when the murderous clown from Stephen King's It is confronted with James and Sirius? Makes sense even if you haven't read 'It'. Unbeta'd


Rating: T  
>Pairings: none, set in their fifth year so pre-JPLE  
>Word count: 1,799<br>Disclaimer: **I own nothing, JKR and Stephen King do.**

Summary: what would happen if Pennywise the clown was pitched against James and Sirius rather than the Losers Club? Slightly crack-ish and written in an hour but I knew I'd forget about it if I didn't write it :) sentences in _italics _are thoughts or the scene through Pennywise's eyes **un-beta'd. **

* * *

><p>"Hey! Moony! Look what we got!"<p>

Remus Lupin's stiff, post-moon, neck snapped around with a crick to see one Sirius Black hurling through the portrait hole, gesturing behind him, towards a straining James Potter with a hand full of string. Then again, Remus supposed it was whatever was on the end of the string that was stopping him from getting through. Not the string itself. With a loud _pop_, James burst in, hundreds of brightly coloured balloons attached to those odd bits of string fanning out above his head. Reds and blues and yellow and oranges. The Common Room erupted with noise.  
>"Oh WOW!"<br>"Cool!"  
>"Hey! Can I have one?"<p>

James gave Remus his most charming smile and tugged the balloons down as they were reaching upwards and pulling him on to his tiptoes. After handing out over half of the balloons, which, now Remus looked closely, were _sparkling_, the two boys sat down on the floor in front of the fire with a contented sigh.

The balloons had been released and were floating above their heads, obviously not containing enough helium so they could float all the way to the ceiling. It was obvious enough to Lily Evans anyway, who had watched the whole charade with a stormy expression and was now getting quite sick of all the strings drooping into her face and on her shoulders

(_how did they even get them in here?_)

and decided the best way to vent her anger would be to confront these hooligan rule breakers.

"POTTER!"  
>James looked up in dismay at the growing form of Lily Evans as she walked towards them. Sirius patted his back in condolence before hopping up onto the arm of Remus' chair, receiving a scolding when he spilt half a pot of ink on the floor.<br>"Evans!" James switched to his low, mature voice and automatically lifted a hand to ruffle up his hair. "Don't tell me, you want a balloon too?" He cringed as she shot him an icy look and flicked her coppery pony tail.  
>"No, Potter. I do not want a balloon. Although, I do wish to <em>inquire <em>as to where you got these balloons from as they are muggle objects not usually found-"

"-A clown gave them to us."  
>It was Sirius who spoke. He had now unwrapped a lollipop from his pocket full of Honeydukes' treats and removed it from his mouth with a loud slurp as the redhead turned to glare at him.<br>"Wha-" Words seemed to fail her. For the first time in her life she was rendered slightly incoherent by a Marauder. "What-? What?"  
>"A clown." James repeated, grinning a little. "Pennywise, lovely fella."<br>"What?"  
>"Pennywise, the clown." Sirius was smirking rather evidently and Lily didn't like it at all. "Gave us the balloons." They were trying to insult her intelligence.<p>

"Are you high?" She asked them both, with perfect clarity, eyebrows raised and her hands on her hips. Her question was met with raucous laughter from all four of the Marauders. Including her dear Remus, and that strange, quiet, Pettigrew boy.  
>"Not tonight." Sirius grinned wolfishly and Lily decided she didn't want to know. He gave his sweet another lick and she rolled her eyes in disgust.<br>"Seriously Evans, a clown, called Pennywise, called us over, in a passageway that you don't know about, offered us a balloon, then we took them all." James accentuated each phrase with an open handed gesture of truthfulness. Lily wasn't buying it.

(_as if I'm going to believe that for a second Potter, I thought fifteen year olds were a bit old to be playing imaginary games- hey that's quite cutting_)

"I thought fifteen year olds were a bit old to play imaginary games but obviously not."

Both James and Sirius looked at Remus, agape with the indignity but he merely chuckled which put him back in Lily's good books. "Get rid of the balloons Potter, they're distracting people who actually want to work. With that she sashayed back over to the table where her friends were sat, all wearing amused looks on their faces, pausing only to bat a stray balloon out of her way.

"A clown, _that's _the best excuse you could think of?" Remus enquired immediately.

* * *

><p>The two boys wandered down the passage that would take them from the underground cellar of Honeydukes and back into the warm castle.<br>"Swap you a chocolate frog for a handful of Every Flavour Beans?"  
>"HAH. Not a chance Prongs, I'm saving this to <em>sweeten<em> up Remus in case he gets in a bad mood with us!"  
>James shrugged, he could see his friends logic. They fell into a companionable silence, the only sound the sound of their sweet wrappers crinkling.<p>

"Good evening." A rather childlike voice rang out to their right. There, a clown stood in a large silver suit adorned with fluffy orange pom poms. It had a large, waxy face – painted white with a smudged red smile. To be fair, Its makeup made It look like It'd just finished a rather heavy make out session with Sirius Orion Black. To James (who had spent his summer doing muggle things so he could impress Evans when he got back to school) it looked rather like a pimped up version of Ronald McDonald. In Its hands were hundreds of balloons. Reds and blues and yellows and oranges. The boys had to duck underneath them to get past.

"_Evening." James greeted, Sirius gave a mock salute not even bothering to make eye contact. Its face crumpled into a frown. That just would not do.  
><em>"_Would you boys like a balloon?"  
><em>_They just walked on, the clown cleared Its throat. "WOULD YOU BOYS LIKE A BALLOON?" The sound came out as a roar. That made them stop, yes indeed. The one who saluted raised an unimpressed eyebrow and the friendly smile nearly slipped right off Its face. He shook his head.  
><em>"_Why don't we all shout and get caught, yeah?" His tone was patronizing, as was the tilted-head-look he was receiving from the other, who looked like he had a jet black bird's nest on his head._

"_Would you like a balloon?" It asked. But quietly this time. The boys' eyes flicked towards each other and then up at the mass of coloured orbs above their heads. They paused for quite a few seconds.  
><em>"_Naaaaah, c'mon Pads." And they turned their backs to him and began walking off again.  
><em>"_Are you sure you wouldn't like a balloon?" He asked again, severely irked. With the others it had been so easy. He's asked them if they wanted a balloon from dear old Pennywise the clown. They did. Of course they did. And then It ate them. Children tasted so good when they were scared._

_The salute boy sighed deeply before turning back round. It ensured It was several feet closer than before but the boy did not even blink. Who were these people?  
><em>"_These balloons, they float?"  
><em>_That was NOT the question. The question was: "Do they float?" but it was close enough.  
><em>"_Oh sure, everything floats down here."  
><em>"_Erm, in the secret passageway from Hogwarts to Honeydukes?" The bird's nest asked.  
><em>_Fine. It works better in the sewers of Derry. But surely they were hooked enough that It could kill them now? Preparing to lunge forward, It felt Its teeth stretch into those long fangs that had scared generation of American kid but they snapped back as the salute boy asked another question._

"_Your balloons," He waved a hand upwards, "They don't sparkle."  
><em>"_Yeah!" The other joined and they shared a grin that left It with a rather unpleasant and new feeling, "What kind of establishment are you trying to run here?"  
><em>_The clown gaped and a long tongue lolled out uncontrollably the boys jumped back so as not to stand on Its furry mass. "Hold your tongue Potter!" The bird's nest bellowed and the salute boy clutched his sides with mirth.  
><em>"_Yes! Best impression of Slughorn EVER!"_

_It did not know what a Slughorn was, or why the boy referred to him as Potter. But he was getting impatient.  
><em>"_Tell you what . . ." Bird's nest began in a voice that suggested he was about to do It a great favour.  
><em>"_You make those balloons sparkle . . ." The salute boy continued.  
><em>"_And we'll take them all off your hands, COMPLETELY free of charge." They both nodded and It felt rather baffled until that sense of victory emerged in the pit of Its stomach. They could have the balloons – and then It would devour them both. Fear or no._

The boys watched as this 'clown' snapped a gloved hand and the balloons began to shimmer and sparkle.  
>"Here you go!" He thrust out the hand full of string and James, instead of stepping into Its reach, whipped out his wand.<br>"Accio balloons!"  
>"Good catch mate!" Sirius complimented, drawing his wand also. Just as they'd expected, the clown morphed into another creature, a greenish vampire with bloody razor blades for teeth, a werewolf, dressed in some kind of sporty cardigan that James rather liked, a slimy, giant eyeball and then with a scream of fury at their blank faces, back into the clown but this time, with basilisk sized fangs and deep, blood-red eyes. It lunged forwards but was thrown back by a nifty little protego courtesy of James.<p>

"Silver and orange, really aren't your colours-"  
>"-Have you ever heard of a hairbrush-?"<br>"-Or shampoo-?"  
>"-And decent makeup removal wipes! Hey! Don't you give me that look Prongs I have several female cousins . . . I just know these things!"<br>"What's you're name-

_-by the way? I'm not supposed to take things from strangers!"  
><em>_It realised it was loosing, whatever those things were . . . those sticks, they were too powerful. And It didn't like it.  
><em>"_PENNYWISE!" It screamed, lunging at them again but unable to get past the blasts of light they were firing.  
><em>_Both boys burst into laughter._

"_RIDDIKULUS!" _

_(It's not ridiculous-no child has ever said-let me kill-who are you boys-let me-ridiculous?)_

* * *

><p>"Boggart then?" Remus asked.<p>

"Worst boggart ever." Sirius and James agreed. They fell into a quiet, looking up at the balloons still bobbing about the room, James sneaking surreptitious glances at his Evans when she wasn't looking in his direction. Sirius reckoned they'd probably have to come up with a better and more eloquent reason than: "clown" when McGonagall came for their hides.  
>"Hey Remus," James began. "You should totally get one of those cardigans for your time of the month, they're quite stylish." Sirius and Pete laughed as loudly as they dared and James glanced up to meet the werewolf's stony glower. He smiled innocently.<p>

"Sirius . . . I might be needing that chocolate frog."


End file.
